he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
