hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
