You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
