Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
