hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
