I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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