I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Congratulations! We have a period
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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