I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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