Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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