So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
