genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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