even my farts smell like vagina
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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