I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
