Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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