could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
