another moral hangover. fuck.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
