apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
