I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
