I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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