One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Never joke about your clitoris.
There's even glitter on my cock...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
