someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
...so i touched it.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
