I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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