I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
