woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
