i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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