I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
