it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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