Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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