I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
