and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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