I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
