After last night, I could never be a politician.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh god it's open bar.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
