I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
