i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
