I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
