I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
