My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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