Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
