Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
