Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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