Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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