I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
