Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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