How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
