Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
