'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
