I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
