So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
