and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
