college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
